Days like this

 don't know what this uneasy feeling means. My mind can't grasp single thing that could be causing this. I feel restless. Maybe combination of different things. Thinking about how I had breakfast even though I was suppose to be intermittent fasting? Or perfects the regulations that have to be done under Energy Act is still not completed enough to be gazetted? A fic I read on Twitter? Maybe it's the blouse I am wearing making me self conscious? I just feel so restless. Maybe it will pass soon. I am trying to calm down by being alone in the pantry of the house. 

Till then .. waiting

FIrst Day

Why did I not go to my programming class? Am I too good for it? Oh hell no. The all hard work preparing for the mid exam is as fresh as it was like yesterday. (To be fair it have been just roughly 2-3 days). Definitely not because I am sick or whatever. But it is because I woke up not feeling it(This happens more often that the other). My body tells me that I have a back pain, and my mind tries to agree with it saying that I will be able to catch up and besides there will be a big gap in between programming class and the next one. And yet, when at the hardest I keep telling myself I will not miss anymore lecture, Tutorials (labs I do attend because one cannot cut those -_-) and yet the first day here I am at home doing nothing, just dreading if I will be able to get all those which will be taught today. You can tell that I don’t want to feel like I am behind. Had a lot of those last year, because I had leaned on too much on others to help and didn’t put any effort myself thinking in the end everything will work out, I will pass. Or maybe more than pass.

Of course I did, but then again I wonder if they passed me. Pretty sure I went to only 1/3^rd of most lectures and did no tutorial/assignments/quizzes myself. Always borrowed answers. Sure I got some marks, but I didn’t really learn.

Being in second year of engineering, I am realizing how important first semester was, because it was the root which branch out to all years of engineering course. So far, I am able to cope, I will be able to do it better if I can just shut off that part of the brain which gives perfectly acceptable excuses to why I have to cut classes.

All those empty promises ; I will finish the tutorial before tutorial class, I will do my programming lab on my own and ask lecturer for help if I can’t, I will finish my lab reports that day itself, I will not procrastinate any of my work, I will study daily and so on. But in the end it’s always the day before deadline I get worked up. Crying, panicking, cursing, dreading and wishing for a miracle I do it. All those promises run in my head again, telling me next time will be different. But yet again, it’s all the same.